Darren and I gave ourselves 36 hours to be unreasonable. We found ourselves in an unreasonable situation surrounded by unreasonable individuals and so we gave each other permission to act accordingly. I must admit it felt good, cleansing in fact. I was playing a part unbound by shoulds and woulds and my hurt and emotion and raw anger came boiling over sticky and close to burning a singed smell and craziness attached to it. Our time limit is up. It is Easter morning. I thought I would feel bad, ashamed even. And I don’t. I thought my behavior was not in accordance with my values. I guess my values are to be outrageous and preposterous when the place you find yourself in calls for it… to fight back against wrongdoing… to stand your ground even if it means not standing at all but jumping around like a lunatic to call attention to the cause.
Now I am soaking in this glorious day. Meeting up with family to feast and enjoy each other just the way we are.
I thought the end of this poem “Interrupted Meditation” by Robert Hass summed it up nicely:
Everyone their own devastation. Each on its own scale.I don’t know what the key opens. I know we die,and don’t know what is at the end. We don’t behave wellAnd there are monsters out there, and millions of othersto carry out their orders. We live half our livesin fantasy, and words. This morning I am pretendingto be walking down the mountain in the heat.A vault of blue sky, traildust, the sweet medicinalscent of mountain grasses, and at trailside—I’m a little ashamed that I want to end this poemsinging, but I want to end this poem singing—the woolyclosed-down buds of the sunflower to which, in English,someone gave the name, sometime, of pearly everlasting.